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On Cooking for Others

October 10, 2014

My darling child, who, given the choice, would rather eat raisins than anything I cook for him.

I read this sensitive, intelligent piece last week by a woman who doesn't like to cook or, perhaps more accurately, doesn't like how cooking makes her feel, and it really stuck with me. What she wrote was funny and touching and and interesting, because it made me really stop and think about how I feel about cooking and specifically how I feel about cooking for other people like my husband, my child or my friends these days. Like most of us here, I imagine, cooking is a pleasure for me, not a chore, so I feel differently than she does on a lot of the points. (As far as I understand, she doesn't have children to cook for, so writes more about her memories as the child of a mother who felt obligated to cook and slightly oppressed by it.) But the truth is that in my current role as the resident cook for a picky toddler and a man who really doesn't have the time to share the chore, I have recently found myself having more moments of resentment about cooking each week and it was sort of eye-opening to read a daughter's perspective on the whole thing.

And because it seems to be in the zeitgeist right now, along came Virginia Heffernan's caustic piece on a similar subject, namely what to do if, in this day and age where the family dinner is held up as a glowing signpost of successful motherhood, you simply hate to cook. I say caustic because it felt sort of gratuitously cruel towards the writers and books it was skewering, as if it was easier for her to accuse these women of sanctimony instead of just accepting that she just doesn't dig the same things they do and that that's okay. I found myself rolling my eyes at her, even though the previous article really touched me, and I guess I wonder what that's about. Why did one piece strike such a chord with me and the other piece seem so curmudgeonly? She does also make some good points and, as the comments show, her feelings really resonate with a lot of people.

Have you read the pieces? Did you have a strong reaction to either? I would absolutely love to know what you think, not just on the pieces, but on the subject of the duty of cooking in general, especially if you happen to be the cook in the family.

Oooh, cake.

Happily, I'm abandoning my cooking duties this weekend and spending a few days with a couple of my best friends in town for the book fair. Oh man, girlfriends make the world go round. I can't wait.

But before I go, one more thing. Max introduced me to the band London Grammar a couple weeks ago (Max is my music guru – if I lived alone I'd just listen to the same three classical CDs plus The Weavers because Pete Seeger's voice completes me) and I kind of can't get enough of it, especially this song:

I hope you have a great weekend, folks.

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93 responses to “On Cooking for Others”

Mary

October 10, 2014

Thanks for sharing these articles Luisa! I liked them a lot. Very thought-provoking. I’m thinking the reason the second one hit a nerve as opposed to the first one – which was more in the illuminating category is that you are also a cookbook writer and know at least one of the ladies mentioned in the article so it’s easy feel a sense of compassion for those the author doesn’t spare in her critique. She kind of really has it in for Jenny Rosenstrach doesn’t she and it’s not obvious to me why her in particular but I do think she (the author) has a few interesting other points to make. I do think we’re all gone a bit crazy about food in terms of thinking eating this and that is poison (gluten, dairy, carbs…)when at least for me food is way more fun when you just think about eating and enjoying it. And however much I actually like cooking I’m definitely very happy not to cook sometimes. Hello takeaway or going out and thank you very much! The first article made me laugh more though. I liked how thoughtful the writer was and how observant. Though it seemed kind of melancholy too. The second one is just angry! How dare people like cooking!!

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Dani

October 10, 2014

I think it’s so funny and unusual to read articles where people attack others’ preferences. I mean, that’s all it is – a preference. I love to cook and do grocery shopping – literally, nothing excites me more than buying really good groceries. Do I think that that’s pathetic? Sometimes, lol. But I wouldn’t trade cooking and cleaning for sitting in an office desk for 8 hours, no matter what you paid me. And that’s my preference, so it’s ok. My theory is: People pay A LOT for ready-made or restaurant meals, people pay A LOT for house cleaners (or household gadgets and products that make cleaning easier), people even pay to have their groceries DELIVERED these days, and that’s fine! Because I don’t work an office job, I consider all of the homemaker duties to be my job – because if I wasn’t here, someone would be making money off of my family/my husband. People pay a lot of money for childcare – and when we have children, the money that we’re NOT paying, we’ll just assume evens out for the salary I’m not bringing in by working a full time job. I think that’s fine. But back to cooking:
Even I am guilty of judging a woman/wife/mother on her cooking abilities. I guess it’s the effects from having a mother and grandmother who loved cooking, and now cooking being one of my talents that I’m very proud of, and the pride I feel when I feed my family and they like my food – and I have to stop, because I couldn’t (don’t want to) do what a lot of other people do. So, to each his own. We should all embrace it more, myself included.

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Giulia

October 10, 2014

Coming from a family where my mother literally shuddered at the thought of having to do cooking while my father – amazing man that he is – did all the food shopping and cooking for us every single night, sometimes more than one meal if my quite picky sister didn’t want to eat the same thing the rest of the family was eating, I think it is rather petty to blame anyone, male or female, for choices related to cooking and household chores.
I have not yet read the first article you link to, but the Virginia Heffernan one read a bit like she was trying to make something out of nothing; like she wanted to have a topic for an article so she blew up her frustration with the fact that she doesn’t like cooking into a much bigger statement about women in the home and female empowerment, and how those women who write cookbooks and the bloggers and media who extoll them are just – damn them – trying to make the non-cooking woman feel bad. I have to admit I even thought of you, because you are the only food blogger I know personally who has made a career out of your love for food, and I find that so admirable.
I am another one of those strange women who really, truly, could not love anything more than cooking for others, and seeing their wonder and enjoyment when they sit down to a table full of things I have made. Admittedly I also do this for myself, because I am a writer, and after sitting in front of a computer for hours on end, doing something with my hands, something I can see through from beginning to end and reap the rewards of, all on the same day, can be very gratifying AND a relief.
I feel like every working woman should have something like that to take the pressure off her intended career, but I am not arrogant enough to demand that it be cooking for a family. My mother had a highly successful career in the museum world spanning decades. My father is a psychiatrist who loves his job. It just so happened that one of them loved cooking and was willing to take it over from the other who didn’t. And that’s fine.

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Ksenia from At the Immigrant’s Table

October 10, 2014

I would agree that there’s something personal in both the pieces you’ve presented, and in the comments that follow. Cooking IS personal – by planning a meal, picking ingredients, and transforming them into something that is greater than its parts, we are sharing a piece of ourselves with the world.
But it’s interesting to reflect on that when compared to restaurant, or professional, cooking. Do the chefs there share a piece of themselves with the world? Or is it different the moment it becomes professional, the moment someone recognizes your talent and decides, hey, that food is good enough to pay for? Is that the moment your labour, your cooking, the part of you that you put out there becomes valued?
I know that the fashionable thing to do would be to say how annoyed I was at these pieces. How cooking is, indeed, a preference, and we are setting back women’s (and people’s) rights a century if we start prescribing to others what they should and shouldn’t do, even if it’s healthier. BUT – and this is a big but for me- I keep remembering the one thing that others here seem to be ignoring (forgetting?) – that the personal IS political. That a preference is never just a preference, but a reflection of societal trends, gender expectations, and economic norms. That while most of us food bloggers, readers of food blogs, journalists, and definitely commenters, get to choose what we do with our time and our kitchen, most of the world is not in the same boat. And most of the world, unlike the women Ms Hefferman goes against, does not get to choose; it does not get to prefer cooking to other activities.
And therefore, I think that a discussion of ‘are we glorifying what is essentially human slavery for others’ is a very valid question, now matter how venomously it may be presented.

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Laura

October 10, 2014

(I apologize for my English, it’s not my native language)
I was also thinking of this topic recently… I love to cook, especially for my family. I love good food and my husband has learned to love it too. And I like to spoil me/my family with homemade mayo, peanut butter, ricotta etc. However, a big part of my enjoyment is that my husband always appreciates it, even if my kids don’t. But I also realised that what liberates me in this matter is that I don’t have to do it. Anytime I don’t feel like cooking or don’t have time for it, my husband makes some simple dinner (pasta, eggs, whatever) and everybody is happy. Nobody judges me for it. So I’m free to order pizza or welcome my family home with homemade bread. And since my husband makes breakfast on working days, I’m responsible only for dinner and dessert (if I feel like baking). So I do it for myself, for my own pleasure mostly. Of course there are days when I cook because people just have to eat. But I don’t make a big deal out of it. I’m sure I would feel differently if I would have to provide all meals every day.
So I guess some part of dislike for cooking is related to pressure – you’re the mom, you have to do it.

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Cristina

October 10, 2014

Cara Luisa, thanks sharing. I found especially funny the picture of Hugo eating raisins, because that is exactly what my son does, snubbing my pasta con la ricotta or the given meal of the day. I come from an average Italian family and either my mother or my father was cooking up our meals from scratch, twice a day. I am totally amazed by their endurance and commitment especially now that I grumble about cooking a shadow of a dinner. In both articles I found a common trail: it seems to me like both authors were trying to come to term with their ideal self (a woman shall cook, for whatever reason) and their various dislike for cooking. While I found Heffernan a bit tedious in her attempt to justifying her otherness by hefty criticizing authors that evidently do not share her point of view, I do agree with some of her remarks. If defrosting a ready meal makes life easier, why not. Preparing food everyday can be tedious. One thing is cooking when you feel like it, another is planning and delivering all meals for years. I am happy though that my family taught me to enjoy good and healthy food, because that’s the only reason why I cook.

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Giulia Doyle

October 10, 2014

Hi Giulia,
Just to say that I always stumble over your comments on Luisa’s blog and think – did I comment already? Not often do I see my name spelt the same on blog comment threads 😉
And yes to a mom that didn’t/doesn’t enjoy cooking and me who loves to cook. It’s a preference, sometimes a chore after a long day of work and kids that don’t want to eat, but I choose to cook. Sometimes my husband chooses to cook. There are many options out there these days for people that don’t enjoy the process but still want to share a family meal.

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Mary

October 10, 2014

Do you think there is something bigger at play here behind these articles? Like perhaps as women gain a greater sense of true worth in (a still largely patriarchal) society something like cooking, because it is associated with the nourishing matriarchal feminine archetype (or whatever you want to call it) is being called in from the cold after years of banishment while women were allowed to indulge in their masculine sides and do well in previously male only world of paid work and political power. If we all embody these qualities/archetypes to greater and lesser extents whether male or female perhaps we just need to recognise that and accept it. It’s ok to like/hate cooking (or whatever). It isn’t a reflection of overall worth it just is and we just are and it’s all groovy. Cook/heat up or be cooked for and remember there is no joy in duty. Best limit the tedium where we can and follow our hearts in life. In the kitchen and outside of it. Maybe also be glad some people like cooking for themselves and others because we all need to eat.

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Gerlinde

October 10, 2014

I’m sorry, I didn’t read the articles . I don’t have time, I’m leaving for Sweden tomorrow . I will read it later. Yes, even those of us that love cooking don’t love doing it all the time. I would never have been the cook I am if it wasn’t for my husband cleaning up after me and never expecting me to cook on a daily basis. However, when my son was still living with us we had dinner every night. On the days I worked it was tuna sandwiches, take out or left overs . Last night my girlfriend came over and we watched Ed Browns ” How to Cook for Life” and I think it is a must watch movie for every cook or wanna be cook. Truly enlighting! I didn’t volunteer to make dinner so my girlfriend, bless here heart, brought a delicious bean soup that we both enjoyed while watching the movie.
Luisa, I totally understand your resentment at having to do it all. My advice is to cook a huge amount of soup, freeze it and eat it on the days you don’t want to cook.
Gerlinde

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Katie

October 10, 2014

I love to read recipes, shop and cook. I make it a priority for my time and money and even though sometimes I’m depressed for hours over a failed dish I also get a lot of joy and satisfaction over success. That being said I also work full time, and I have days where I order a pizza or throw together a meal out of Trader Joe’s already prepped items. My boyfriend loves to help in the kitchen and Saturdays, when I work and he doesn’t, he’ll usually cook for me or suggest a place to go out. Its a bit frustrating to me that if I don’t think of dinner ahead of time and pick up groceries and make something we won’t eat well or we’ll eat late and occasionally I’ll get upset about this to him and about once a year slightly resentful. Its all in the ebb and flow of relationships and hobbies, I guess.
The second article is very insecure. I get that there is pressure to be a homemaker and a lot of pressure especially when it comes to nutrition, its annoying that the author doesn’t have the confidence to say “Cooking is not my thing and I have other ways of nurturing my children. I’m thankful that now there are nutritious “born defroster” friendly options”. Also it is quite a leap to equate a woman saying she likes to cook to saying “I like not working and having no opinions and being everyone’s handmaiden”. That is just weak logic and offensive theory, not to mention writing. Maybe she’s just going for drama, but for someone who describes herself as a feminist she sure does tear down a lot of woman for being successful at something they love.

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Christine

October 10, 2014

I love cooking: when I have the time, when I’m alone, and when no one is waiting on me to get dinner into them so I can put them to bed…so these days – not often. Yesterday I cooked a can of white cannellini beans with a clove of garlic, some halved cherry tomatoes, and a sprig of rosemary, and a few leaves of chard (that I had blanched the day before to make your gratin!) – and fed that to me and my 10 month old. My husband foraged foods from the fridge, namely crackers, salami, cheese, and the rest of the blanched chard. And then because we’re not monsters, after I put the baby to bed we had ice cream.
I think the big issue with the second article is the fact that the author goes after the cookbook authors in a way that seems personal. I’m pretty sure Reichl’s not the only one who has ever said that family dinner is the most important thing you can do for your kids, and I’m pretty sure that family dinner doesn’t mean that it all has to be made from scratch. My husband and I work outside of the home. Sometimes, dinner is a can of beans, at other times it might be a piece of meat and vegetables cobbled together into something more or less balanced, and sometimes it’s a rotisserie chicken bought at the grocery store with a bag of salad mix and embellishments. The thing about family dinner is that the food isn’t the important part. (Which is what I think the first article was hinting at).
Thanks for the links!

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Christine

October 10, 2014

That said, I think the fact that the brunt of making sure everyone is fed still falls on mothers is a feminist issue, so I understand some of the rage of the second article, if not her delivery.

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mary

October 10, 2014

This is so so interesting and I’ve been thinking about the pressures of the current food culture quite a bit lately. I love to cook, and I had similar reactions to the pieces.
I think there’s a difference between leisurely, recreational cooking that usually feels creative/challenging/fun, and the kind of obligatory weeknight family dinner especially if your partner and/or children are picky, fickle, unappreciative. The latter is certainly the kind that’s more likely to breed resentment, and navigating the shifting landscape of what food is “healthy” and nourishing for your family within the framework of their preferences can be anxiety inducing if they don’t line up easily.
I think it’s reasonable to examine why we cook. Is it to feed our family? To feel appreciated? For creative expression? To feed ourselves delicious food? Is it out of a sense of obligation?
I do think women feel the obligation so much more than men, and I wish that was different (I’ve never seen a man write about hating to cook–most men only cook if they like it).
I also think services like Blue Apron that provide easy to cook meals with fresh pre-prepped vegetables and effectively outsource meal planning and most grocery shopping are probably really good solutions for people like Virginia Heffernan.

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Asha

October 10, 2014

Sooo Luissa, The first article triggered a Aha moment in me! I love cooking things. But I resent “having” to do it. My idea of cooking is to make things that leaves people in awe. I absolutely resent everyday cooking. Nevertheless I love home cooked meals. What grates me the most and the piece speaks beautifully about it is that I expect to be heralded for the effort and the amazingness of the meal and am inevitably let down by the lack of reaction 🙂 Like her, I have realized I enjoy other things a lot better and since I don’t HAVE to cook and it is only my own constraint, I should just be less hard on myself and do something that I get pleasure out of without expecting adulation from someone else.. 🙂

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Florence Barnhart

October 10, 2014

I really think that all adults, men and women, should know how to eat healthily; that it is a life skill, like knowing where your money is. (We could all make a long-ish list of things that we need to do as adults.) Despite the fact that I love to cook, I do not believe that you need to do home cooking in order to eat well, but then you do need to know how to shop. To buy fruits and vegetable (and then eat them!), to buy lean proteins and frozen foods that don’t have a lot of preservatives and fillers. This ability keeps you healthy, as well as any friends or children you find yourself feeding.
This is what I have told my own children, who, as adults now, make some different choices around food, but have wonderfully healthy children. And, although my daughter loves to make pickles, my son does a lot more daily cooking!

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Christine

October 10, 2014

Ahh, I had read this a while back and then couldn’t remember where I read it or who authored it. http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/09/03/home_cooked_family_dinners_a_major_burden_for_working_mothers.html?wpsrc=fol_tw

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Jane

October 10, 2014

Thanks for juxtaposing these two pieces. I had seen the second one knocking around on my FB feed, but the first one was a gem. For one thing, I’d agree with you that there was a discrepancy between the professionalism and the writing of the two. I think we all get into ruts and get irritated about the lack of gratification or fulfillment. Honestly, I think the NY Times writer just needs to put her hang ups aside and embrace a meal plan (as you and I have discussed). Nothing fancy: something like basic whole wheat pasta with healthy sauce and steamed veggie, done. Funny enough, I also saw on Facebook a Kickstarter campaign for a beautiful cookbook that has been put together by a mother – teenage daughter team. A nice twist to this debate:
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1684286028/tonight-at-7-30-one-familys-life-at-the-table

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Erica Woods

October 10, 2014

My mother made everything from scratch. Every other night she would cook. Rain, shine, sickness and in health, mom would cook. You name it she would cook it. Her favorite story to tell people is when she took me to the doctor and I told him that my favorite dinner was Veal Parmesan, and he didn’t believe that a little black girl knew what veal was much less ate it.
My mom cooked elaborate Christmas dinners with three courses and an extravagant dessert course with various kinds of coffees. If she couldn’t attend a family/holiday event she sent a huge entree done effortlessly before she went off to the hospital to work her 12 hour shift as an RN. Plates of chicken, platters of lasagna, huge pots of greens and her signature pound cake went with my father and I as she got into her taxi to go to work. Even when she went back to school full-time she cooked.
She was the oldest of six and cooking was necessary. She loved it, too. Her ability to be creative came out in the pork chops, seven layer salads, and sweet potato pies she would serve.
When I got married, I tried desperately to mimic mom. I’d work everyday commute for 90 minutes get into the house and put on the water for pasta, or turn on the oven for the baked chicken masterpiece I’d have ready by the time my husband got home. Then I had kids and I had to cook. Three children with picky palates and a husband who had been spoiled enough to expect home cooking every night, even with the added responsibilities of children and work.
I grew to resent cooking. When I did it, it zapped the last ounce of energy I had for the day. While I cooked, my husband and the kids played, colored, wrestled. Then when we got to the table, I was exhausted. My energy had been given to the food and the experience.
Now I’m writing, back in school, a photographer and I have a full time job. My husband is a full time stay at home father. But guess who still cooks?
I can definitely see how a person who loves to cook would be offended by the Times piece, but I don’t love it. I’d rather do something else with my time. But I don’t want to banished from womandom for it. And in NYC that’s what can happen. When I lived there you were ostracized if you gave your kid a cookie, even if it was homemade!
So for me, it was nice to hear someone say, that they didn’t like cooking either. And not everyone can embrace a meal plan…no want to. I think it’s cool for all women to have an opinion about their lives.

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anne

October 10, 2014

Stoppt den Perfektheitswahn! Der Hauptunterschied zu den 80ern ist doch:
Heute muss jedes Mittelklasse-Speckgürtel-Kind nicht nur dreimal/ Tag mit frischem Bio-Essen versorgt werden, sondern auch mind. 2 Musikinstrumente lernen, drei verschiedene Sportarten ausüben – und natürlich super Noten haben.
Und die Mütter sollen …
a)im Beruf Erfolg haben/ Erfüllung finden
b)ununterbrochen den Nachwuchs fördern/ von A nach B kutschieren
c)möglichst im Hausfrauenpanzer vorfahren (= den richtigen Mann haben)
d)dem Mann den Rücken freihalten (schließlich finanziert ER ja alles)
Ist da vielleicht doch irgendwo ein Denkfehler?
Deshalb: auch für Artikel 2 beide Daumen hoch (auch wenn ich DALS wie andere Foodblogs gerne lese).

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Vikki

October 10, 2014

I grew up in a family where my Mom, grandmothers, aunts all loved to cook and later I enjoyed cooking for my husband. But part of that was he loved everything I made for him and loved to experiment with new foods. When I didn’t feel like cooking we ate out, or he made pizza — his only dish — but it was delicious. It was fun cooking for our dinner parties too. I was young and married in the 80’s when America was just starting to wake up to new cuisines, ways of cooking and people like Marcella Hazan were becoming popular so it was an exciting time and fun to discover the new foods and cooking found in their cookbooks. I also loved cooking and discovering new dishes from Craig Claibornes New York Times Cookbook. So cooking for me was more of an adventure than a chore. Later on in my marriage when I started a career and didn’t have time to cook every night, I would cook on the weekends and freeze parts of the meal in small packages that I would heat during the week and add a quick vegetable dish to go with it. I still enjoy cooking for my family and friends but don’t cook everyday. However when I cook, it is still fun and enjoyable and an adventure since I am constantly curious about new foods, cuisines, vegetables, recipes — I love to read cookbooks like most of your readers!

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Jesi

October 10, 2014

I was so surprised to see such a negative response to “Dinner: A Love Story,” since I found that book to be encouraging, affirming, and dogma-free. It seems that Virginia Heffernan approached her NYTimes piece with an axe to grind; in all the books she referenced, she was looking for writing that would flare up her sense of indignation and make her feel bad about herself, and that’s what she found. I approached “Dinner” looking for positivity, and that’s what I found. We can read into food writing whatever we like, depending on our perspectives and attitudes.
You’re right– it’s perfectly okay for Heffernan to dislike cooking, just as it is perfectly okay for people like you, me, and the rest of your audience to love it. That said, I’m sure this is a very difficult time to be on her side of the divide; you can’t spend five minutes on the internet without running across a food blog, a restaurant review, or urgent nutrition advice. The cover of this week’s TIME magazine, of all things, is emblazoned with the words “How to Eat Now: The Truth About Home Cooking.” It must be difficult to say “that’s just not my thing” about such a pervasive topic– sort of like living in the American South and not caring about college football.
There’s also some validity to Heffernan’s frustration with the burden home cooking places on women. Although women seem to dominate the realm of food blogs, where so much wonderful cooking, insight, and writing can be found, the chefs we celebrate outside of the home kitchen are almost all males, at least in my estimation. I’ve noticed so many food magazines having love affairs with the likes of Yottam Ottolenghi, David Chang, and Thomas Keller; I don’t see quite so much praise heaped on female food professionals.
I’m struggling to wrap all of my thoughts together into one succint final point; perhaps I don’t have a final point. At any rate, I so appreciate this post, and the thoughtful discussion it has prompted!

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Agnes

October 11, 2014

I like to cook. But I also like to cook for several days so I don’t always have to spend (too) many hours each day in front of the stove. Cooking is sometimes totally relaxing and enjoyable and sometimes only a chore. I don’t have children, but if ever I have some, I am sure I would often feel it was more the last than the first – especially when they are too small to really participate of if I spent many hours away from home.
I totally get both of the pieces. In Denmark, where I live, the family dinner at night is also kind of sacred – yet perhaps with less pressure than in the US, since homecooking is still very much the norm here, so the whole “conversion from processed food to real food” is not that prevalent – but yet you still have to spend the time cooking. And I see many families with both parents working full time kind of fretting and freaking out daily because ideal and reality are so hard to reconcile. I think it must be totally stressful, because this whole family dinner thing IS kind of the sign of succesful parenthood, sadly.
I don’t want to devaluate it – sitting down to a cosy family dinner is sure a very nice thing for both parents and children – but if everyone is stressed out reaching that goal and so really not able to enjoy it the way they wish, then what’s the point?
My sister and I grew up with a single father working full time. He was busy making ends meet and things were far from perfect – but yet he sometimes struck me as more relaxed and present than for example single mothers struggling to attain a level of perfection (no one should say, they failed as mothers!) that wasn’t really doable under their circumstances and so really putting even more pressure on themselves and their kids. What I really liked, when I grew up, was, that when my father came home from work (around 4 or 5 o’clock) he would bring some fresh bread, sausages, paté etc. and we would all sit down and drink tea, eat and chat. By that time we were all hungry and it was really nice just sitting down and connecting as a family. So we kind of had 5’o’clock tea. After that he would cook dinner, and we would often not eat before 8 o’clock, which really was kind of weird when everyone else were having dinner at 6. But we escaped the stressful time before dinner, when everyone is tired and hungry, and we still had our family sit-down-and-eat-together time. I kind of liked that.

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blackbird

October 11, 2014

Luisa!
Come see us in Hall 8! M83.
Merle

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Nicole @ thejameskitchen

October 11, 2014

Hi Luisa,
I greatly admired your poignant summaries of both articles. Feeling sympathetic and touched by the first one, accepting the no-cooking-anymore as one person’s choice and while I love to cook (though not beeing extremely motivated about it every day) being happy for her, I felt absolutely ashamed for the second writer for the misguided attacks, acerbic tone and excessive semantics. Her (deeply buried) subliminal points are completely justified and sum up what we all agree on:
– away with the angst (what should one eat for the maximum benefit) when faced with the newest nutrionism craze;
– laugh at the impossible pressure to be Super Mummy or Super Parent (a horror! and dissected in parts in one of my favourite books, too: Bringing up bébé) and
– change the crumbling but nevertheless still prevalent picture of (home)cooking as a woman’s job.
I think, regardless what food you have, if you can’t, do not want to or do not have the time to cook, eating & sitting at a table together and talking is the most important thing. Not a dogma, just common sense. I already poured my heart out on Jenny Rosenstrach’s website: http://www.dinneralovestory.com/friday-round-up-11/#comment-67093.
Enjoy the book fair & your friends. Stop by if they abandon you for some mighty publisher… in order to stay calm, I’ve baked two kinds of cookies yesterday 😉

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Mary from Texas

October 11, 2014

Hi Luisa,
Thank you for the post. The pictures of your family are delightful. I remember those days – long ago now – when my son was that age. People would tell me that the time would go so fast…I didn’t believe them!…but it was true. But I’m so proud of the fine young man my son has developed into. 🙂
That said…if it’s any reassurance to the younger moms out there…my son was fed home cooked meals, frozen meals, take-out, pizza, and also ate at restaurants. And the good news…he’s doing great. 😉 And so is my husband. Both are tall, happy, healthy, and if I might say…handsome. 😉
As to the two articles you shared…ouch! Although very different, both writers struck me as angry down deep inside. The first over poor cooking skills coupled with the betrayal of her boyfriend. (And I use the term…boyfriend…loosely. “Cad” would be more appropriate!) Who can blame her. That knife cut deep. It was a betrayal and it was consciously – or unconsciously – tied tightly to cooking. No wonder she never wants to cook again and admirers her mother’s skill at avoiding it. I say again…who can blame her.
The second was quite different. She is the one who is truly angry (where as the first had reason for her anger based in hurt). I agree with you and found it to be cruel to attack the cookbook authors who have simply shared something they enjoy writing about. I have not read any of the cookbooks mentioned but if one finds something preachy…just put it down and stop reading and move on. No need to be so hateful. For heaven’s sake. She doesn’t like to cook. Fine. Don’t cook. Defrost. And be confident enough in yourself to not worry about what other people think.
When I read things like this, I wonder what has happened to this generation. I thought we women of the 1960’s paved a way to make things easier for future generations of women. I thought the women of today would be more confident, but I often find the opposite. There seems to be so much obsessing about one thing or another. And often, as this second writer displayed, a lashing out at other women who are different than them. I don’t like seeing this trend.
If I knew this second writer I would say to her, “Move on…and now go defrost something.” The bottom line is that no one really cares. Most people are just doing their best to get through life. People may write about how they do something but you don’t have to fall in line. Do what works for you. And don’t worry about it. People have always shared about one thing or another as to how they do or don’t do certain things…and even more so today, thanks to blogs. If you like to cook and make dinner for your family – great. If not, don’t worry about it. The writer probably does other things great that her children appreciate…such as she mentioned in regards to playing with them and hugging them. But she needs to lose the anger.
It’s amazing to me how dinner has become such a controversial topic. If you like to cook, and I do, then make dinner. But I have also learned over the years that when I am tired then it’s OK to have take-out or pizza or just cheese, bread, and some cold cuts. It’s not always about what you’re eating that makes for happy, healthy people…it’s about keeping stress low and enjoying one and others company. That is the recipe for a nice life.
Have a great weekend.
Love, Mary

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Mary

October 11, 2014

Hi Luisa and Mary from Texas,
Amen, Mary. You have expressed exactly how I feel and how I cook. Both of these writers seemed to me to have more troubles than just with cooking/not cooking.
I have made many of your recipes Luisa and am making your Italian aunt”s roasted veggies tonight! Thank you for all you do.
XO Mary (from Georgia)

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F Louise

October 11, 2014

HI Luisa, thank you for your wonderful sharing and writing. I know I’m not picking up on the main focus of this post, but I’d be intrigued to know which 3 CDs (alongside the The Weavers) you could listen to so much, if you’d care to share.
Liebe Grüße aus Freiburg!

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Christie F

October 11, 2014

I love cooking for people, but my mom stopped cooking years ago because we never liked what she made, and our dad didn’t believe in forcing us to eat what we didn’t want. Considering he was born in post-War Berlin, I’m not sure how he managed to grow up with that philosophy.
In any case, I think that one should never feel obligated to cook, or guilty for not wanting to cook. When I was in high school, I went to a youth group that constantly told the girls we had to cook for our future husbands, so I refused to cook for a long time on principle. In college I learned to cook for myself, and rediscovered my love of doing so, but if I feel like dinner is going to be peanut butter sandwiches or take-out pizza, I’m not going to feel bad about it.
I do believe a love of cooking can be fostered, though. I teach an English class to very small kids here in Berlin, and we cook or bake something every other week or so. I hope to show kids that cooking can be fun, that it doesn’t have to be tiresome. So I guess what I’m saying is, I see both sides of the argument, and fall somewhere in the middle.

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Margit Van Schaick

October 11, 2014

It just seems to me that this is a major issue for the 1% first world. The commenter “Immigrant’s Table” above emphasizes how cooking is personal and at the same time political. That is so true. From the perspective of having been a 4-year old child in wartime Germany, refugees from Hungary waiting 5 years to come to America, and suffering with malnutrition for much of that time, I think of food as glorious and it’s preparation as a life-enhancing, actually fun, activity. It’s so wonderful to have enough to eat, even though I am concerned about food security for myself and many of my fellow citizens. Growing a small garden really helps. Yes, I can see how someone could get to resent cooking if one sees it as a duty, a burden and has a picky, non-appreciative audience. Somehow, while I was a single, divorced parent of three children, working full-time to support them and also going to night law school (over 7 years) to get a J.D. Degree, we managed to work together to create a vibrant family life, preparing food over the week-end in double batches, roasting meats and veggies, so there always was food in the fridge, from which we could make delicious meals throughout the week. None of my kids would ever have contemplated becoming a picky eater. The reality of our lives was such that we all just really understood how lucky we were to have food on the table. My three daughters each learned to cook as we worked together to prepare meals, to clean our home, to survive as a family. So,yes, it’s personal, stemming from one’s life experience. For me, food , growing it-shopping for it- preparing it- reading food blogs and cookbooks-has been a joyous, absolutely life-sustaing adventure.

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orcagna

October 11, 2014

Dear Luisa,
the quality of your post shows in the fact that you have great readers – you’d have to search for a long time to find a place where you get the kind of thoughtful comments I just read here.
That being said, I found that I wasn’t offended by neither article – to me, Hefferman’s was a critique of cookbooks lecturing you as opposed to trusting yourself (not that I’m much of a defroster, I mainly go by Nigella Lawson’s observation that the freezer is a place where good food goes to – to die). And Miller’s was too much of a personal story to come across as denouncing cooking altogether. Whatever, some provocation certainly enlivens the conversation!
My husband and me both work full time, and I’m the cook – because I like it. He’s the cleaner (which I definitely LOVE). To both of us, having dinner together is kind of the highlight of the day (well, after cuddling in the morning) because that’s when we together and share – dinner, events, thoughts, whatever. Generally, I’m a member of the “prepare batches on the weekend” club, but bread and cheese is fine as well, as is take away – we traditionally have sushi delivered when the German national team plays football / soccer on weekdays and picnic in front of the TV during the match.
I do understand the pressure of cooking for company – even though I whip up dinner nearly every day, having guests is no trivial thing. Yes, I do want them to walk away thinking they had a great meal. Yes, I do want to have it all look effortless to boot. And yes, I am vain and conceited and competitive and like to impress… I guess it’s called being human. And I accept that.
And if anything goes wrong, we’ll just order pizza from down the street.
Love,
orcagna

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Giulia Pines Kersthold

October 12, 2014

Dear Giulia,
I’ve seen your name too and thought the same thing! I believe I also follow you on Instagram? What’s the story behind your name? Mine is that my mother studied Italian Renaissance art history, and has been obsessed with Italy her whole life. Not a drop of real Italian blood in me, sadly.
Best,
Giulia

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Victoria

October 12, 2014

Luisa,
I wrote such a long response to this that it turned into a rant, which I decided to sleep on before I posted it. And then I decided not to.
I find the Slate article Michael Ruhlman mentioned upsetting. “’We rarely observed a meal in which at least one family member didn’t complain about the food they were served,’ the researchers write.” Really? Being rude at the dinner table is the American norm? Not at the house I grew up in; not at my table.
The one in this weekend’s NYTimes, What if You Just Hate Making Dinner? made me crazy. “Cooking! Aren’t we past that?” I guess that works if you don’t like eating dinner. You called it caustic; I think it went from caustic to vile, making fun of and denigrating specific cookbook authors.
And I did not find Sarah Miller’s article sensitive, intelligent, or remotely funny. I found it sad. So sad. “We cook to make ourselves indispensable and special.” By then I literally wanted to cry.
I started to think, and think, and over-think what could possess these feelings. And then I thought maybe the common equation is no happy memories of their own growing-up family dinner? I don’t personally know anyone who has good memories of family dinner not liking family dinner in their home homes.
And then I thanked my lucky stars because along came Bittman. Read it and smile.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/12/magazine/getting-your-kids-to-eat-or-at-least-try-everything.html?ref=dining
I’m with Laurie Colwin. “I like to feed people.”

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Lisa

October 12, 2014

Thanks for this thoughtful post and question. What I see in the Heffernan piece, and in the reaction to it I’ve sampled so far, is an evasion of the more difficult question of why some families have choices when it comes to a lot of things–like cooking, but not only that–that we (culturally) like to frame as choices but aren’t really in many contexts and for many families.
If you grew up with a mother who cooked/bought prepared food/worked in the home/worked outside the home and did a second shift/worked outside the home and had paid or partner assistance for household tasks/fill-in-the-blank-as-you-will, how much of a choice did she have in the matter? No choice, some choice, a lot of choice? Having a lot of choice by and large means having financial resources (or time resources, skill resources, and mental space resources as well in the case of home cooking.)
If the vast majority of mothers did have an open menu of choices and just went with the one that she preferred most without fear of judgment or harm to her family, that would be one thing. But the Heffernan debate shows us that some choices (cooking over buying prepared foods) are persistently coded as better than others, without guiding us into the tougher discussion about why some families have a lot more choices than others.
As a side note on resources, I’m also really uncomfortable minimizing the mental energy certain tasks can take. One person might find cooking a relaxing escape from worries, but for another person, cooking might become an additional source of stress, as Heffernan does. (I personally have experienced both!) I don’t like the idea that I or Heffernan just has to try harder to find a doable cooking schedule to appreciate the joy and health benefits of cooking, as some commenters on the NYtimes site have counseled. I enjoy cooking when I enjoy it, and when I don’t, I don’t.
I enjoy reading blogs like yours that so beautifully celebrate the pleasures of food, but I also appreciate your honesty about when things get hectic, and that it isn’t heresy to view food at times just as a necessity (gasp!) to take on the many other things that matter in life.

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Carilyn Johnson

October 12, 2014

I really enjoyed this, Luisa. It is an interesting thing, one’s relationship with cooking. Just yesterday, I had a woman ask me why I enjoyed cooking so much. She said she hated cooking because, growing up, her mother had been a waitress so cooking to her meant being left alone. She still refuses to cook to this day. Interesting, really.
And I’m so sympathetic to your plight with a picky toddler. My twin sons are 18 and are in the phase of grumpy teenagers, so nothing I put on the plate is quite what they want. Sigh. I may just start handing out food to the neighbors and feeding my kids peanut butter and jelly 🙂

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Lisa

October 12, 2014

And yes, I wrote the above rant (hopefully a relatively gentle and reasoned one) against the thou-shalt-value-cooking-as-a-the-most-nurturing/life-affirming-thing-you-can-give-to-your-family tone of many supporters of home cooking while intermittently nursing a four-hour bolognese ragu on the stove!

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Agnes

October 12, 2014

I think, a popular view upon food is that it is “an act of love”. And I guess that’s where the difficulty comes in. If you don’t always want to cook for your loved ones, does it then mean that you don’t love them enough? Or if they don’t always appreciate your food the way you want them to, does it then mean that they don’t really love you? (or at least kind of turn down your love?). And then the road to martyrdom (and/or control and so resentment from as well oneself af from those feeling controlled/urged to behave in a certain (aka grateful) way is close by). I believe it is a current fad to read sometimes too much into cooking. And that this current housewife ideal is sometimes getting the better of us. I mean, sometimes food is just food. And yes, a chore. And it’s also a lot of stress to put upon others to want them never to view it just that way. And to feel resentful when they do. I’m a foodie and I like to cook, but I remember vacations when I felt resentment because my family wasn’t quite the way I wanted them to around the food I had cooked. And they resented my more or less hidden expectations. I cooked for myself because I enjoy good food, but I also wanted them to kind of glorify me. And so the relaxation and the enjoyment (most of the time not, but sometimes!) got lost. What I’m trying to say is, that this whole foodie thing is sometimes yet another pressure upon women – or it’s the difference between hobby and chore that strikes in. I remember when I studied music professionally and had to get used to that it wasn’t just my hobby now, it was my job – with way more expectations and pressure. It didn’t mean that I stopped liking it, but it wasn’t all joy. Even a musician can loathe playing etudes and even a foodie might not want to cook elaborate meals every day. And that’s okay. But the pressure we (and others) impose upon ourselves can be difficult to escape. If we all just accepted bread, cheese and sausages (and perhaps some laughter and conversation) as a perfectly fine meal, things might be easier 😉

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Margit Van Schaick

October 12, 2014

Luisa, raisins are a great source for iron (sort of like steak)! My two-year-old grandson Jacob loves the, too. Please try not to worry about what he chooses to eat day-to-day. I would recommend that you offer healthy, nutritious food and let ythings be, without comment on whether he eats a specific item. And, don’t cook special items instead of or in addition to what the rest of the family is eating. My theory is that when you’re hungry you eat. Over a week or so, it generally balances.out. Research has shown that babies eat foods they need to maintain health. I know that I tend to crave certain foods, depending on what I need. Sometimes, it’s raisins! Or kale. Or a big salad with many kinds of greens and herbs. Eggs. Lentil soup. Whatever. Just go with the flow. One other ti: I generally had a bushel of organic apples (literally) within reach and the rule was that you could eat as many as you wanted, no limits, no recommended amount, no comment. Kept a full supply.available. No chips, no store-bought baked goods, either cookies or crackers. I was so lucky– my daughters were rarely sick, few if any colds. Active and energetic. Great sleepers, too.

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Honeybee

October 12, 2014

I loved the first piece, very funny but a little sad, too. And yes, I recognize myself as the person who wants to be loved for making pies, at least every now and then. And I must admit that I have gotten resentful when I felt that the pie (or whatever it was at the time) didn’t get the response I had hoped for… Still, I don’t want to give up cooking for reading (I want both) but I have to remind myself not to try too hard. That often yields the best results. In the evening after a long work day, when all I want is to sit down and do nothing, cooking does feel like a chore to me. I find that bread, butter, hard-boiled eggs dotted with mayonnaise and maye an apple or a handful of cherry tomatoes make a fine dinner on such nights. 😉
Heffernan’s rant at home cooks/cooking mothers – what is that about? If you want to keep wearing your low slung boot cut jeans when every fashion magazine says that high waist skinnies are the thing, then go for it! Or is is that when it comes to feeding your children it’s a little harder to ignore a trend? Especially when, deep down, you know that a home cooked meal, no matter how simple, always beats a defrosted something? And no, I don’t make my own yogurt, either. It also seemed that she made a point of picking out extremes.

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Claire

October 13, 2014

Once when I was a young teen, a wise piano teacher of mine asked me if I ever thought of why I learned to play piano. She said her answer was so that when she heard something nice on the radio, on the street or in the concert hall, she could go home and play the same tune and enjoy it all over again.
My piano teacher’s answer summed up my “cooking” philosophy. I grew up in two extremes; my grandma was a domestic goddess whose ambition was to recreate certain restaurant dishes and even improved them. My mom is a product of women liberation who rarely touch anything “feminine” related. I cook for a husband and a toddler son, who, just like Hugo, would rather eat raisins.. sometimes. I read the above articles you mentioned and all the responses from the women here and I found it fascinating. Just like any other things in life, we all are in this continuum between two extremes. Thank you for sharing the articles and starting a great discussion.

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Luisa

October 13, 2014

Aw, hi!! I didn’t go to the fair, just hibernated “off-campus” with my besties in a hotel. Hope you had a good one, would have been so nice to see you! xoxo

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Luisa

October 13, 2014

Ha, no problem! Since Hugo was a wee little thing, we’ve been listening to this: http://www.amazon.com/Haydn-Sonatas-Variations-Franz-Joseph/dp/B000002SR5/ref=sr_1_2?s=music&ie=UTF8&qid=1413206809&sr=1-2&keywords=mikhail+pletnev+haydn+piano+sonatas
this: http://www.worldcat.org/title/klavierkonzerte-nr-9-jeunehomme-nr-23-piano-concertos-no-9-jeunehomme-no-23-concertos-pour-piano-no-9-jeunehomme-no-23-rondo-kv-386/oclc/37257900
and this: http://www.amazon.com/Wolfgang-Amadeus-Mozart-Sreichquartette-Quartets/dp/B00008FL00/ref=sr_1_2?s=music&ie=UTF8&qid=1413207022&sr=1-2
We also love this: http://www.amazon.com/Getz-Gilberto-Stan/dp/B0000047CX/ref=sr_1_10?s=music&ie=UTF8&qid=1413206856&sr=1-10&keywords=gilberto+gil
Hugo sings along to it! 🙂

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Christine

October 13, 2014

OH, gosh, I was just back here reading the excellent comments that went up during the weekend and I remembered this Flight of the Conchords song about hurt feelings. (warning for slight profanity – mostly the word @sshole). So good, “Nobody compliments the meal.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuJzSTNDUGI

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Sarah

October 13, 2014

what a really well-written summary! As someone who loves to cook for her family and friends, but has many friends who don’t, this is a tender subject (it’s like breast-feeding vs. formula-feeding, but we won’t linger there!). I just don’t think there is ever a place for such negativity. It’s our differences that make this marvelous world go round. And thanks for the great music pick … lovely.

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Bobbie

October 13, 2014

I don’t have a lot to say about the particular articles, except that they were interesting to read. And that I kind of hate it when anyone takes such doctrinaire positions that they dismiss everything/everyone that disagrees with their premise as useless. Shows simple disrespect and intolerance for other human beings and for the possibility of legitimately differing points of view and preferences.
One comment about being the main cook for the family, and having kids, especially, not like or not care about your cooking: I did take that role for many years, while I spent more time raising my girls and my husband spent more time working at a job he really liked, that supported our family’s financial needs. It just seemed to make sense for me to do most of the cooking, since I was at home at the time dinner needed to be made, and I mostly liked cooking. On the other hand, he and I shared the cooking about 50-50 when we were both working full time (both before kids and after they were in high school and beyond), and because I’m very busy again this year and he’s not, he’s taking on more of the cooking. I think it’s healthy to go with what makes most sense for the particular people and in any particular circumstances, and to be able to be flexible. During those 16+ years when I was the main cook, he kind of “forgot how” due to lack of exercise, but he’s developed his cooking muscle again as he’s done it more, and he’s even gotten more interested in trying and learning new things.
One thing we’re enjoying more now, in retirement, is cooking together. He says he still prefers being the sous-chef and following my lead, but he’s also perfectly capable of making choices and doing it all on his own – especially when we’re both getting hungry and I’m clearly not getting up to do anything about it!
As for the girls, they both went through phases of caring more or less about food, being picky, liking my cooking and criticizing it. It was sometimes frustrating, but it’s very rewarding that as adults, they both care about and are interested in food and they like to cook. Not all the time, just like me, but often enough to take pleasure and pride in their ability to feed themselves and their family/friends, and to make delicious things.

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Charlotte

October 14, 2014

LOVED the first article – thanks for sharing, Luisa!!
And happy to hear you discovered London Grammar. Be sure to check out the live performances on YouTube as well . . .
xx

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Bérangère Bouffard

October 14, 2014

Holy cow! Probably the biggest longest comments ever! Who knew this would strike a chord. I find this all very interesting. I also found the first article to be funny and I sympathized somehow. The second one made me want to swat the back of her head and tell her to get a grip or order a pizza already. Too bitter, too long and something else I can’t put my finger on… Maybe it was her stereotyping.
In my family everybody cooks. My brother, my father, my mother… I love to cook! Most of all, I love to eat! That said I do get days when I’m not interested and resent the fuss and work involved as my girls get “hangry” (we’re all human after all). That’s when I put my partner on the job and if it means P.B and jam, eggs in the hole or grilled cheese night so be it! I’m struggling with depression lately, it is frustrating to spend hours in the kitchen and not get satisfaction from it. So I get that. Then again, there are times when it is so rewarding, satisfying and pleasurable even when solo.

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Luisa

October 14, 2014

Ha! Loved it. Thanks

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Luisa

October 14, 2014

Yes, so good! My lucky husband was taken to their concert in Berlin a few weekends ago as a birthday present from his friends.

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Luisa

October 14, 2014

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been struggling. Your comments are always a ray of sunshine in my day. Hope you feel better soon. xo

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Luisa

October 14, 2014

I like your piano teacher’s answer, it makes perfect sense!

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